If you’re dealing with resentment towards your husband as a stay-at-home mom, then there are some things you can do to fix it.
When I first became a stay-at-home mom I dealt with a lot of resentment as well. I felt very unappreciated like my hard work was being overlooked.
I found myself always on the defensive with my husband. It was as if I had to justify what I was doing all day at home, and why some things didn’t get done.
It got to a point when my resentment started affecting our marriage. That’s why I knew it was time to change.
Below, I’ll talk about some things I did to work on my resentment so I could have a happier marriage.
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Steps To Dealing With Resentment As A Stay-at-Home Mom
1. Identify your reasons for being resentful
The first step to dealing with resentment as a stay-at-home mom is to identify the cause. Ask yourself when the resentment started and what situations usually bring it on.
Is it because your husband doesn’t help with the kids as much as he should? Does he not do any housework? Does he neglect your feelings? Or is he no longer affectionate as a spouse?
I too dealt with resentment at the beginning of my stay-at-home mom journey. After doing some self-reflection, I realized that my resentment came from my husband not doing as much housework as I expected him to.
He also didn’t help with our son as much as I wanted him to.
Because of the way I was feeling, I shut down emotionally. Resentment took the place of affection and our marriage suffered. I knew I couldn’t continue to live like that and something had to change.
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2. Talk to your husband about your feelings of resentment
To deal with resentment as a stay-at-home mom, you need to learn to talk about your feelings. This one can be very hard to do because you don’t want to admit to someone you love that you resent them.
I find that sitting down together when the kids are in bed, with no distractions really helps open the conversation.
Start by telling him you’re not happy, then proceed to state the reasons why. Be careful not to sound accusatory or defensive by using statements like “you always.. You never..why do you…I don’t…”.
Starting a statement like this will lead to an unproductive argument. He’ll feel the need to defend himself.
Instead, start with what is called an “I” statement. Use sentences that begin with “I feel___ (insert emotion here) because…” “when you do __ (insert action here) it makes me feel ___ (emotion).
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3. Consider talking to a therapist
Sometimes talking alone doesn’t work. My husband and I had multiple talks over the course of a year. Sometimes they worked and other times they didn’t.
The only thing that permanently worked for us was therapy. Just having that third person in the room to mediate our discussions and provide a different perspective helped us a lot.
We knew that the therapist was not on anyone’s side. Her only goal was to help us resolve our conflict.
Through therapy, I learned that my husband also struggled with resentment towards me as well.
To him, I got to spend all day with our son and bond with him. I was there for all the milestones. I went out for walks whenever I wanted. I could even nap during the day when my son napped.
These were all the things he didn’t get to enjoy. To him, I had no reason to complain when I was getting more than he was. That’s where his resentment came from.
All he got was about 2 hours a day with our son before he went down for his first nap and my husband had to leave for work. He sometimes worked 7 days straight (mostly 12-hour shifts).
Sure he was contributing to the household financially, but he felt like he was missing out on so much.
After hearing his side of things, we were able to come to a compromise that allowed him to spend more time with our kid, help me with more housework, and also get enough rest to be able to function the next day at work.
I admit that it’s still a work in progress after two kids, but we now communicate much better. We listen more to each other’s needs, and the feelings of resentment are now gone.
We wouldn’t have been able to do all this without the help of a therapist.
Don’t be afraid to speak up if you expect more help from your partner. It is difficult sometimes to find the right words to express how you feel, but don’t let that stop you from trying.
When you’ve done all you can and nothing is working, that’s when you need to talk to a therapist or counselor.
Remember to prioritize your mental health by taking a break one to two days a week. Just like any other job, you can burn out quickly when you don’t have an avenue to relieve stress.
I hope this article has helped you figure out how often a stay-at-home mom should get a break, and how much a husband should help a stay-at-home mom.
PsychCentral – Dealing with resentment
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